Sorry, little spirals, but....

... while you may think the workshop is a safe place for you, a place where we engage in the glorification of your species, the sad truth is that you guys and the professor have a complex relationship.

You've been eating my plants again and I'm going to have to kill some of you.

Actually, I don't mind some snacking. As you can see from my behavior with the yellow penis gang, I am pretty tolerant of the non-lethal use of the plants by other species.

I just can't understand how you guys can manage to out-and-out kill a plant just by snacking on it. If you continue to ravage that poor lobelia, it will be dead. It's already almost at the stage where hospice is all I can provide. Once it's dead, none of us can enjoy it. You can't snack on it, and I can't admire it's violet beauty.

Why can't you be more like those crazy plant ants that just kind of walk all over the plants but do not hurt them?

Anyway, I have these pellets. If I remember correctly, you guys like to eat them. Once ingested, they make you guys--and your slug brothers, who may also be in on this--stop eating and drinking. Or maybe just one or the other, I can't recall, but since both eating and drinking are necessary for continued life, you eventually die. I think it takes only a day or two. I'm going to put them out tonight, if I remember to do so. The directions say that they're most effective if put out at night, right before you guys come out and start doing your conspicuous consumption thing.

Consider yourselves warned. You can stop now, and we can all live together in peace. Or, you can continue your reckless disregard for the well-being of the Professor's lobelia, and you can die. I know you guys are reading this.

two new penises compete, in the shrinking shadow of their dead leader.

A tribute to buffalo wings

Wikipedia defines buffalo wings as follows:

Buffalo wings, chicken wings, hot wings or wings are chicken wing sections (called wings, or "flats") and drummettes that are deep fried and then coated in sauce. Traditional Buffalo style chicken wing sauce is composed of two ingredients: a vinegar-based cayenne pepper hot sauce, margarine or butter. Buffalo wings may also be prepared with breading and sauce, although many purists would consider breaded wings not to be genuine "Buffalo" style wings.

Buffalo wings are named after the city of Buffalo, New York, where they originated. In Buffalo, the local residents do not refer to them as "Buffalo wings". They are usually referred to as "wings" or "chicken wings". The appellation "Buffalo" is now commonly applied to foods other than wings, such as chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, popcorn chicken, etc, that are seasoned with the Buffalo style sauce or variations of it. Traditional Buffalo wings (ones prepared without breading) are very low-carbohydrate.

The secret ingredient is butter!

Speaking of upstate New York and food, consider the Spiedie. A delicious sandwich of cubes of marinated spit-roasted meat, known only to the locals of Binghamton and vicinity. The Binghamtonians have an annual festival where they celebrate the Spiedie and race balloons. Blue Oyster Cult performed at this year's event. Or was it Motley Crue? The professor often confuses the two.

Thank you Binghamton. You've given the world Rod Serling and the Spiedie.

A tribute to wingpeople

Wikipedia defines wingman as follows:

Wingman is a term in the seduction community that a man may take when he goes to a club or bar with an accompanying male. A wingman is expected to support his friend in approaching women. The men often pick a desired woman, who is referred to as the "target". The man intending to seduce the target is often called the "pilot." The wingman is expected to back up the pilot, which typically entails talking to the target's less attractive friend(s) and making comments that will make the pilot seem more attractive. The 1986 film Top Gun is often credited with bringing the term into popular usage.

The wingman motivates the pilot to be social and practice approaching women. He helps the pilot approach pairs and groups of women without the awkwardness of being alone. He will sometimes take the less attractive woman of a pair so that the pilot can get the more attractive without interruption. In certain situations, the pilot will go with his "AW", commonly referred to as Automatic Wingman. He has the most experience in playing the role of wingman.

Other responsibilities include remembering details (i.e. target's names and personal information) as well as compensating for intoxication in the judgment of the pilot. The point of the wingman, however, is defeated if he himself becomes an obstacle; hence the application to the wingman of the 11th commandment (or Second Law of Wingmandom),^[1] "Thou shalt not cockblock."^[2]

Sometimes, we have wingmen or wingwomen in our lives that we don't even realize are playing the role of wingperson. God bless them all. Thanks to them, life can be hilarious. May hi-larity reign. May the Ironic Force be recognized as the missing piece in the equation that will unify the disparate cosmological theories once and for all.

Rental wingwomen are available at wingwoman.com.

Yes, the party is over.

six-steppin'

I saw some guys six-stepping out at the club the other night. I was bouncing and working tickets at the Cattle Club for Kevin. My gawd, I wanted to do some six-stepping.

I had knee-pads under my baggies. It's the joints - knees, elbows, knuckles, that take a beating. I looked out at the moon from the entrance. I couldn't smell anything because I'm...my sense of smell is compromised by obesity. Well, I saw no...I mean I saw a few people out there. I want to talk about these things! A lot of these people don't stand in the parking-lot and just look at the trees. That's an opinion. Maybe they're drinking or being nervous because of Sweet N' Low studies. Summary: not too many just looking at it all, most thinking back about Denny's coffee w/sexy Sweet N' Low. Sex. One guy smelled like Tide or some detergent and he slashed at me. I didn't take his ticket, I didn't give him a refund, and I don't play that game. I'm like a cartoon. I'm like a... no, but I'm sentimental about stuff. Maybe some crickets. And dry winds and oak trees and wild oats soughing in the night breeze. When the police arrive they always just stare at my tits and I give them an 800 number.

"click for big"

This is all happening so fast!

Two days later

Left penis has outgrown right penis while the Professor was away.

Others are sprouting up all around ...

and the penises have sprouted penises.

the party's over

Fernando Regis had an eyeball, now disabled, with a diameter which apparently channeled standard 2.45GHz microwaves in addition to admitting light in the typical visible range (400-800THz). George stated he could feel in his eye "a certain tingling sensation" when microwave ovens with leaky seals were operating within perhaps 20 feet of where he stood. He never participated in any scientific study to confirm this. Pretty Polly's subjective experience of microwaves seemed to correspond with a diminishing of Oculus Dexter visible-light sight. Tom's familiarity with the presence of microwave activity, he believed, went hand-in-hand with a simultaneous creation and stengthening of a cataract. He eventually changed his cooking habits but, if cataracts are a function of combined exposure effects or the result of a single trauma, Pietro may have been correct in assuming Tom's ability to determine microwave oven operation came at a great cost to him personally.

oh holy hell

The Professor had been vaguely aware that a plant in the workshop had some soil mold. A closer look today reveals dead or inanimate worms and two bright moon yellow penises. Any explanations, recommendations from the readership would be appreciated here. Can I leave this alone in the workshop for a day or two or should I roll it out immediately? Will it grow and kill the workshop cat? Where did the worms come from? It was just miracle-gro potting soil and a plant from a local nursery. And what lies under the soil, at the base of the yellow penises?

The Professor shudders to think.

Oh Goody

Oh Goody, folks. We have another invitee to the Workshop. Cross your fingers that this individual will accept the Professor's humble invitation. Perhaps, if we're lucky, this invitation will result in more posting than the last two invitations, which between them have produced no posts and one comment. Postillion and I just can't do this alone, people.

Not everything is chaperone, Firefox.

Firefox is displaying alternatives to chaperone wherever the Professor right-clicks, regardless of whether a word is being misspelled, regardless of whether a text editor is being used at all, regardless of whether a word is even selected.

Dictionary.com says chaperone is as valid as chaperon so Firefox should really stop harping on this so much.

Oxytocin Hangover

The Professor googled "oxytocin hangover" in quotation marks just like earlier in the sentence there, and there were no exact matches, although I'm sure many of us know exactly what an oxytocin hangover is. Please, contributors and commenters, you vast legions, post/comment on oxytocin hangover here. Fix google and help other oxytocin junkies take a step toward recovery, or at least harm reduction.

You know, many words ago, spellcheck questioned the spelling of "chaperone" and suggested chaperon" (and the Professor politely declined and kept the final "e") and now for every word that it questions, including goddamn "oxytocin" and "spellcheck" all it suggests is "chaperon."

Firefox, in the Professor's world, chaperone has an "e" at the end, no matter how many times you suggest otherwise in irrelevant contexts. I love you and you can do better.

The Opression of the Hyperhidric

Hyperhidrosis is a punishing disease.

You may or not be aware: Some people around you sweat more than others. Those people, if they want to be clean, must do more laundry.

The added costs in time, detergent, and awkwardness--or wash-and-fold bills--present a financial burden for the excessive sweater of modest income.

The professor is considering starting a charity. For research & laundry costs. And maybe psychotherapy.

Why bring the therapy community into this?

Good question. You see, the sweaty can also be oppressed socially. Wet arm pits or a sweaty handshake can ruin a job interview or a date, for those unlucky enough to be involved with people who judge others based on their sweatiness.

Also, sweat can sting when it gets in your eyes. If other people's sweat gets in your eyes, it tends to sting more than your own sweat. So, the hyperhidric harm their lovers.

Sweating in a positive light

Sweating is misunderstood. It is, in fact, good for you. Sweat contains a germ-fighting agent that can help fight off infections. Researchers found the gene behind the protein it produces. They named the protein Dermicidin. Dermicidin is manufactured in your sweat glands where it is injected into your sweat which then takes the Dermicidin to your skin's surface where it protects against bad guys like E. coli and Staph, and Candida. Link.

Thus, the sweaty are also the healthy.

And, in New Orleans, folks are actually proud of their sweatiness and were displeased to learn that they were the third sweatiest city in the U.S., coming in behind, of all places, San Antonio and Dallas. Link.