Saturday, September 20, 2008

Useful

The most useful thing on the internet.

61 comments:

Mike said...

Thanks Postillion, this is going to change my life!

Mike's Dad said...

But what about our tradition, son? You dishonor me.

Anonymous said...

If you kill Mike Watt with your irreverence ...

*shakes fist*

Professor Marvel said...

...

Admin. Marvel said...

The Professor is speechless.

Professor Marvel said...

My heart's not really in this. My heart ...

*clutches chest*

beck said...

Is it a heart attack or a broken heart?

D.B. said...

It's Takotsubo/!

Professor Marvel said...

Fucking unbelievable.

beck said...

Quick, administer the Beck Depression Inventory!

Professor Marvel said...

The professor is mildly depressed:

Page 1
Page 2

Presidente, Marvel Fan Club said...

Oh lord. The Professor had a stroke!

Admin. Marvel said...

Professor, you're doing so much better! Look at your results from 1995.
Page 1
Page 2

Italian Spidermant said...

This confirms the stroke diagnosis. Why didn't you fools rush the Professor to the hospital when the chest clutching was going on. Jerks.

Anonymous said...

It's lookin' to me like the Professor is manic. Honestly, who writes in negative scores on their depression inventory?

Professor Marvel said...

I think we need a new image host. This waffle one is kind of iffy, although I do like waffles quite a bit. Paid Intern Marvel, please do some research.

Ranald Bruce said...

Beck, I question the usefulness of your inventory. We need an objective test. Let's administer an I.Q. test.

Professor Marvel said...

Uh-oh.

Assistant Marvel said...

That's a loss of like 25-35 points since the baseline was established 10 years ago.

When did this happen? Call a doctor!

Ranald Bruce said...

Dudes, the Professor just had a stroke--are you surprised at this decline?

Of course, the Professor is still capable of simple competitive tasks. You'd need a loss of 35-45 more points for a finding of retardation. While the Professor may not be able to continue working as a Professor, the [former] Professor retains the ability to be an unarmed security guard.

Ranald Bruce said...

I AM a doctor.

Ranald Bruce said...

And I meant Simple Repetitive Tasks.

I have to get out of here--the stupidity is contagious.

*zip*

Professor Marvel said...

The Professor's mind IS the workshop. When you're in here, folks, you're part of it. If the Professor's stupid, you are too. If the professor is delusional, you are too. If the professor is giddy, you are too. Luckily, it shifts fairly quickly from state to state.

Funny, I don't feel stupider.

Mike's Dad said...

Definitely brain injury.

King of Balls said...

I'm one third smarter than Professor Marvel.

I am the king of balls.

Mike's Dad said...

That's apples & oranges, King of Balls. Why don't you use the same testing instrument?

King of Balls said...

Suck my instrument, Mike Watt's Dad. Your son may be a wicked bass player but you are not, are NOT, to mess with the King of Balls, you hear?

Go on, what's your IQ, loser? That's my instrument. Enjoy it.

Paid Intern Marvel said...

This must stop now. Get a life, all of you.

Anonymous said...

You are all really fucking pathetic.

Professor Marvel said...

It's actually 35-45 points lower. I may be a lot stupider, but I can still do math better than my administrative staff.

Anonymous said...

SHUT UP!!!!!

Professor Marvel said...

Somebody please help me.

King of Balls said...

I am the King of Balls.

Paid Intern Marvel said...

Stop it!!!!!!

King of Balls said...

Professor, since I'm so much smarter than you I've fixed your links to your mental health problems.

post-stroke BDI page 1
post-stroke BDI page 2
pre-stroke BDI page 1
pre-stroke BDI page 2

My IQ.

I am the King of Balls.

Admin. Marvel said...

I'm not having any trouble with the links.

Anonymous said...

Stop. Just Stop.

Anonymous said...

I didn't realize the Workshop was in Texas.

Postillion said...

Just you wait when you are desperately searching for a restroom in NY, Professor...

Paid Intern Marvel said...

Please don't encourage the Professor.

jiminy cricket said...

Oooowwww...I want to ssee what the Proffessor does now! Come on, professor. Put your dukes up. Fight fight fight!

unpaid intern unmarvel said...

Great. Last timet his happened, I had to clean up everytining.

Workers of the World Unite said...

That's an outrage! Have you paid interns been using your power against unpaid interns?!#%$#@$^@

King of Balls said...

It really is all about who controls the means of production, isn't it?

Or is it?

The Professor is a figurehead, an innocent, a pawn in a game being played out by the Marvel staff on a daily basis. Non-staff only see this from the outside, and they foolishly think that being an insider is an appropriate goal. In reality, it's poisoned in here, sheer poison. Sticky and toxic and sticky. I'm not a staffer here, of course, but I've gotten a glimpse. Oh, it's terrifying, in that way it's terrifying when you find out about the horrible things one human has done to the other, as portrayed on the evening news in a way that makes a moral judgment about it, but really it's beyond moral judgment. Or irrelevant to it. But it's still sticky like gum on your shoe, and poisonous like radioactive gum on your shoe.

I will eat some fava beans now.

I am the King of Balls.

RIP DFW

King of Balls said...

They're a little bitter, those favas.

fava said...

Well, wouldn't you be bitter if you were being eaten?

Actually, don't answer that, King of Balls.

Vice-President, Workers of the World Unite said...

Do they let you eat with them, Unpaid Intern Unmarvel?

fava #23 said...

Do you miss your brethren in the King's stomach? Come, join us. We miss you, fava.

fava said...

Fava #23,

Is Kurt Cobain living in the King of Ball's stomach with you?

Also, why doesn't the Google Blogger allow us to use capitals for our names when we leave comments? Does the Google Blogger encourage punctuation illiteracy?

Your living brethren who prays for you,
Fava

King of Balls said...

I know, man. I really like Capitalization. It does something for me. It makes me feel big. Like I'm a castle of fava beans ... on another planet. A large, ruddy plane--a planet with the potential for life. Inhabited only by the ghosts of fava beans and kurt cobain.

oh, fuck capitals.

Assistant Marvel said...

Never has so much activity been so pointless.

Professor Marvel said...

I have several mental problems. We've already established this earlier in the comments to this post about finding a restroom. Scroll up if you don't remember. Or refer to past posts.

This is therapeutic for me. Not compulsive, but therapeutic. Not a symptom, but a poultice.

Really, I'm not kidding. Therefore, this is not pointless. WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT ME? THERE IS NO ASSISTANT MARVEL WITHOUT PROFESSOR MARVEL?

Just go with the flow a bit, okay?

AC said...

Assistant Marvel,

Do you not go on the other parts of the internet? What kind of internet blog assistant are you?

Assistant critiquer

King of Balls said...

The afterlife is in my stomach.

I am the King of nice clean balls.

(for scansion - although, I am the King of clean balls has this nice "follow the yellow brick road" thing going on.)

Fuck Scansion.

Heaven is in my stomach. I am the King of Balls.

Paid Intern Marvel said...

Heaven?

Stick to "the afterlife" please. The Professor wants it to remain secular in here.

Plus, do we know that Kurt Cobain went to heaven? I know the favas are innocents, but I'm not sure about Kurt.

King of Balls said...

Nirvana is in my Stomach.

King of Balls said...

I am the King of Balls.

kurt cobain said...

It's crazy in here. These favas are fucking nuts. Drink some tea or something, King of Balls.

poet-writer said...

Well, it depends, King of Balls.

"Follow the yellow brick road" only allows for one reading, scansion wise, due to follow and yellow rhyming. Whereas "I am the King of Clean Balls" can be read in two slightly different scansions depending on the speaker's emphasis.

I still think you should stick with the simpler "I am the King of Balls." I think that's all you are capable of. Besides, I don't want to consider who might be cleaning your balls.

Internet time Consumer Advocate said...

I want my thirty minutes back.

First, I wasted time on actually clicking on that useless "useful" site. Then, I thought there might be useful comments given that there are over 50 comments. Nope. All useless.

Somebody owes me thirty minutes. Pay up, Professor Marvel.

Professor Marvel said...

These comments are far from useless. Look what we've learned. Look what we've done. And, more importantly, look at what we've not learned. Look at all the things we've not done!